I don't know if this will come out right....

Tonight I was talking to Leah, yet again. She's worried that she wont get the surgery and she'll have to carry on longer in her own personal hell in the form of physical problems. Pessimism is her overbearing quality these days, but I guess I couldn't blame her. She does give me time to think about things in a spiritual way when she brings up the problems in her life. Just being worried about the future--what she's doing--got me to thinking about what I worry about in life. I think to much about relationships, guys, where I will end up career wise--mostly relationships right now. I've heard a few stories about people's obsessions and that is all they have time for. I know that there is one obsession I will always live with, though I don't let it consume me. If I did, I'd end up like a couple summers back--unhappy, in a tunnel (so to speak), and with no rest what-so-ever. I know I was born with a problem: OCD and depression, but I don't try to dwell on those things. Now I'm just getting off subject. I was talking the other day with Heidi and I asked if I had changed at all over this year. She said I had grown spiritually and I always doubt myself on that one. I was also talking to Leah about a month ago and we were just looking more closely at the people that we really are. Not just what other people see, but what we saw in each other and in ourselves. There is a part of me that I don't like very much. It's proud, dark, jealous, and wants only the world and the things in it. Leah made some comments about it and it made me want to accept that side of me, become a different person, just because I would be able to take pride in it and to have the glory. I'd rather be noticed for my spiritual steps--not for my human nature (if that makes sense). Instead of worrying about where life may lead or what my lot will be, I'd hope that I would put God first and serve Him. Today Leah was talking about--after a year of having dealt with physical problems--not having a purpose or direction and how would she ever get back on her feet? Live for something other then yourself; something outside yourself. I look at people worrying about life, anxious to start life--but really, we're only here for one purpose. I think I have realized for myself that no matter what happens I can always continue to live for God--though I'm not a lot of times faithful to that. You look at kids, they live for the day and nothing else, no worry for the future. Looking at adults they only seem to live in the future. Constantly worrying about bills, whether the house is clean or not, what to wear to a social function (maybe not that, but you get the jist). Those things are important here on earth, but what will it matter when your life is over, when you didn't take the time to live for something that will last beyond the grave. We live in times of war, but when peace comes what do we do? We rebuild, plant and watch things grow. There is a purpose for every season in our lives. I don't know, it was just so much more profound for me to realize that, while I do care what other people think--what they see and what they think really doesn't matter, compared to what God thinks. I picture myself living in a new place, out on my own living my own life, and how will I spend it? There's working, meeting new people and hanging out with friends, sleeping, eating and the like--but there is always something that comes to mind and is constant and that is the picture of me sitting in my room reading. I don't want to sound into myself or righteous, but when I picture that I think of the world moving all around me with their busy lives and for me--just for a time everything is standing still in that room. I choose to show the world the side of me that everyone sees because 1. the other side would scare most people 2. it would scare me as well 3. I don't want to get lost in myself 4. that side does not desire spiritual things and is angry a lot. I'd rather be to people a friend, not just a shoulder or a listening ear that doesn't really care--I am a shy person, one that some find to be unapproachable and hard to talk to....that thought died in my head. I'm going in circles and got lost in my thoughts. I should go to bed...
~Live for others every day, be a blessing while you may, ever loving kind and true, Jesus' love in all you do...."

25th......

Alright well, last time I wrote was....Friday? I have no idea. Nothing has really been happening around here. Though I had fun on Tuesday!! Heidi came to pick me up to go sledding and we got lost--talking does wonders eh? Well, we finally got to where we were sledding and everyone was cruising down the hills. First one I went on I didn't see the bump at the bottom of it, so I went flying and did a face plant in the snow. That was COLD! Yeah, as Devon and Connor stood laughing at the top of the hill--they were the ones that suggested I go down that one. Ha! We got a train going, that was great too, big dog pile! So, by the time we were done my jeans were soaked....from the snow. Heidi's car got stuck, so we had the guys help us out a bit with the pushing. I did a tiny bit, but probably not enough to make a difference, lol. Anyway, went to the Maricle's house, thankfully got to change my clothes and then everyone raced for the computers. Course everyone started showing up. There were skits performed, after as much practice as ten minutes. I was in a group with Mike, Rogan, Frank, and Connor--and we did Igor and his monster. So three of us were supposed to be attacked and killed. Lol, I got dragged by my arm and pretended to be dead and Connor rasps out "This one's heavy master!" Hahaha, I wacked him once I was undead. Should have kept my board, though I think I did hit him a little to hard. Anyway, everyone once again raced for the computers and I got to lay and stare at the ceiling while playing this the feather duster. I did hit Devon with it when he was being a dork, don't think he took to kindly to that, so I kept the duster to myself. Ha, I did get to play a game though, I'm not to good of a player--but I like to try. That game lasted FOREVER! After that we were kicked off and out of the room. So, stood around talking until dad got there. Twas a fun day! Other then that, we went out to lunch yesterday with mom and dad for our b-day and then went shopping. Went to meeting and then came home and stayed up till 1:30 this morning. Then mom was being a bear trying to get us to do some stuff. I went out in my shorts and t-shirt to clear the drive way. I'm getting used to the cold weather, plus you get warm really fast anyway. For the rest of the day we'll probably be playing games and yeah....maybe I can go on a walk and escape from the house. I actually should probably go, looks like lunch is almost done. Hope everyone has a great day!
~I am dreaming tonight, of a place that I love, even more then I usually do......"

Sleep in heavenly peace......song playing right now

'Ello all....so yesterday I went shopping came home, Carol and Holly came over to go to a concert with mom and dad. I wanted to go to the gym, but as it happens I would have been there for 3 hours and that wasn't the best prospect (though I guess I could have gone swimming). Leah and I hung out till the dults got back and then I got herded out of my room. So, I slept with Darthvader, while Homeslice and Sasquatch took over my room. Mom and dad's bed is soooo uncomfortable, it's to soft--so if you lay on your stomach like I do then your neck is careened backwards. Ah well, I slept good for the most part until the bed hog moved in to take mom's place. Then I had a knee in my side, so I moved to the living room couch. Mom thought I was suffocating myself (I had my nose pressed into the back of the couch) so she so kindly woke me up. Lol, what a night I'll say. This morning everyone got up and was chatting/talking, whatever it is that women do and neither Carol or Holly had clean clothes so we all stayed here and had meeting. Which was surprisingly nice, though I wanted to go to meeting. There's something different about having such a small personal group of people....Anyway, we talked for 2 hours and yeah. I got my shower and now lunch is being made. I kind of feel all talked out, now all I want to do is play games or get out and walk/run/play/toss something! Hah, ah well, such is life. Till later everybody :D
~Thou thinkest Lord of me...."

As the world turns......

So it's been four days since I wrote last. I've been using my journal more cause I can obviously write about more things then just the surface stuff. This week has been one with sitting, walking downtown, more sitting, going bonkers, going to the gym, and shoveling snow off the driveway. Leah is content to sit and twiddle her thumbs, but by the afternoon I get a lil impatient and stir crazy. Just having a bit of trouble trying to convince myself to go out in the snow and walk anywhere. I guess I have been shopping to--here and there--and reading books. I've been rereading a ton of books I have. Anyone have a good book to read? Much appreciated!! ANYWAY....In four days I turn 19, can't believe it! Mom is still bugging the heck out of me and Leah asking what we want to do for our b-day, but I'm just gonna have fun going sledding on Tuesday, so that'll work for me as far as excitement goes. Plus there is a capture the flag game on Saturday! I really don't care what we do for our birthday this year. Hmmm......well, there really isn't much that I am thinking of at the moment. Partly cause I want to get out of here and do something and partly cause there are quite a few people talking in the background. Guess I should head out, toodles!
~Time passes slowly, an hour can seem an eternity...."

Tuesday!

I wrote last Friday, not much happened over the weekend though. It did snow :-( and on Saturday me and mom went shopping for 5 hours I think. That was fun anyway. Then on Sunday, went to meeting and then to Carol and Holly's house after going out to lunch in Redmond. Mom thought I had goo for brains (wearing no socks and no coat in freezing weather) so we went shopping once again before afternoon meeting. After that, we got home and I started reading a book that I haven't read for years, great so far! The snow decided to stick....yesterday we hung out for the morning and did chores and such and then found out that grandma was going into the hospital because she was having heart problems. So, mom got off work early and we went to the hospital. I hate going there--to many bad memories for me. But anyway, we found grandma's room and stayed there until we had to go to our appointments. They were doing tests....after going to our appointment we came home, mom went back to the hospital, and dad took me to my piano recital. Ha, I think I practiced for 45 minutes before going....didn't help to much with the nerves though. Anyway, mom showed up before the recital started and surprisingly there weren't to many people there. The little kids were so cute! lol, I was gonna stand up before I played and say that "I didn't have the excuse of the cute factor like the little ones did, but to bear with me," I'd rather break up the silence before doing anything in front of a crowd. Unfortunately I didn't do that ha. I played my song and got done and really couldn't remember playing much of it. Sort of blanked out, not a good thing when I got lost and really wasn't used to the sound of that piano--or the keys. No excuses, just saying. I play the piano for me, not for other people. I relate music to different times in my life. That's why I like slower songs--you can put more emotion into them. And that is why I can sit and play the piano for hours, I get lost in it. Which is awesome! Compared to playing the viola. Haha, you'd think with how I sound though that I don't practice much ;-) hahaha. Ah well, nerves have never served me well. After that, we went to the candy shop and mom and I got to talking yet again. Sometimes it's hard to talk to mom, but sometimes it's just the thing I need. But I got home and read a book and fell asleep, only to wake up at 1:30am, drink tea, and read till three. Got up this morning at 8, read some more, and then cleaned the house. I still need to take a shower though. Might go for a walk--who knows. In the past month I didn't write at all in my journal, but I finally did and I had definitely forgotten the freedom of it. Just to say anything and not worry about people reading it. Ok, now I am rambling--later.
~What would I give, what would be the cost, to regain something that I have lost...?"

Good day ol' chap!

Friday! Ugh, the phone! Ok, so I am trying to get everything sorted to move. I might be moving later then I planned, so you all get to deal with me for about a week or two more. YAH! I know, partay, lol. I can't remember when I wrote, apparently it was boring though. Today I work for 3 hours and it's almost up. Finals are done--yada yada. My weeks are really not to exciting. Last night though mom brought in a WHOLE LOT of candy. Thankgoodness Leah and I got rid of most of it (giving it to the people at work and such). It was actually quite fun. We made up a box of stuff for dad's work too, since guys don't usually do anything for the holidays--it's a whole office of guys and according to dad, one girl that thinks she's a guy. Ha, now there is something I should look into when I get a career....who wants to bother getting that stuff? Lol, I know I'm terrible. Though yesterday Leah and I had a great conversation, kind of interesting anyway. Here's a question for everyone: Do you think there is more to you then other people see? Even yourself? Obviously there is more then other people see, but do you think you know who you are completely. Like every part of you? I know, retarded, but it is interesting to ACTUALLY sit and talk about it and get other people's opinions. Anyway, I got some more work to do, so I'll get back to you all later :D
~If that light be darkness, how great is that darkness...?" (Not word for word there)

I should be asleep.....

Only problem is I went to bed really early and got up and decided to read. So here I am at this hour just messin around on the computer--though I'll probably go to bed after this. Today was the usual: school (took a final in math) and worked for 6 hours. Tomorrow I'm not sure what I am doing. This is the last week I work and the last week of school. As for the whole moving thing-sometime in January. Still bugging the heck out of Shawna about the whole job thing :-). There's not to much to look forward to at the moment I guess. Everything seems to be flying by. Well, there is the recital next Monday I think, then our b-day on the 24th, Christmas (though I have no idea what we are doing, if anything). I think I might be here for new years, and Heidi's get together thing, and then I was thinking about going to Portland special meetings--I don't think I will be here for Bend's. Anyway, I don't know, I really haven't had many thoughts. I go through my day talking to people and nothing really interesting comes up. Sure there is the talk about school, work, guys, plans, etc etc., but it would be nice to actually have a uh....meaningful? conversation. I'm not one for small talk all the time. Ah, here I am complaining again, sheesh! I've got way to many thoughts going in my head and no way of putting them into words really. Ok! Time to go to bed, before this actually turns into a journal entry that should go into my journal and not here. Goodnight all! I may write later when my thoughts are more together.
~There's a time for everything, we just have to have the patience to wait....."
~Don't worry life away, you only have one chance to live it....."
~Looking back only increases the fear of going forward--let go of the familiar and embrace what may be a blessing ahead..."

Kaput....

I got to sleep in today! Marvelous I've gotta say--though it was only till like 7:30am. That's sleeping in for me. Felt good anyway. Trying to remember what I did. I read the readers digest to mom in a british (some southern) accent, cleaned the bird cage, and practically practiced the piano all day. I did walk downtown though and we went to the new candy store "Powell's Candy". My goodness, talk about fun to look through! They even have scorpions, worms, and grasshoppers in suckers. Gross, but as I said, fun to look around. Now Larea is over (I think she needed a break from studying and such) so everyone is just hanging out in the living room. Not much else has happened today. Just a lazy day I guess and it's such a pain having to save all my money :-(. Oh well, gotta do what ya gotta do.
~Williwonka anyone....?

One thing down, a few million to go.....

Alright, so life has improved slightly--or the outlook anyway. Though I did wake up with a booming headache because I was dehydrated. So, that was fun. Mom woke me up at 6 telling me she thought I should drive some more. It took a bit to get out of bed, but then I had to wake Leah up so she could go with me. We had to go to Julie and Rachel's house to get her license (we had to break into our car) which was actually quite amusing at that time in the morning. I drove around for about an hour and then took mom to work and drove around some more. Though I did find time to practice the piano sometime this morning. Trying to get ready for the recital, which I'm going to be really nervous about once it roles around. We went to the DMV and I sat in the car for about 15 minutes waiting for the guy that was going driving with me. Good time to get myself calmed down for the most part. The drive went fast and yes I passed it this time!!! Thank-goodness! Now all I have to worry about is getting the app. from Shawna. Drove around for about 2-3 hours, got lost on back roads and went to the Maricles--though I'm pretty sure they were busy at the time. Heidi was teaching piano lessons and I'm not sure what the guys were doing. Ha! I didn't even get to see your new laptop! Ah well....I've kind of been in a strange mood all day. I blame the headache! So, there is my eventful thing for the day, now everyone can get off my back about it--phew*.
~Sometimes words fail....."

So, you think you know it all do you?.....

Random title above....so anyway! Life changes faster then you can ever realize. Dad is losing his job, mom is trying to sell a lot of stuff around here and they might end up moving. Gotta look at some options, but they might be moving out of Bend. We'll see--no one knows the future around here. I feel bad about moving, but at the same time I want to get away. I want to be there for mom, dad, and Leah--but mom said that she thinks they can make it. Keep it optimistic! Anywho, school is almost over and my job ends next week. I have been working there for 6 months, hard to believe. So, now that this is all happening it makes you think about a lot of the different stories people have told and the ones that you read in the bible. There's a reason for everything.....Getting ready for a piano recital and yeah. Not to much really.....I think I'll go do something.
~When overhead the sky may clouded be, just hear the father say, this to shall pass it bears the promise of a brighter clearer day....."

.......Title.......

Alright, so I am bored and this is what I am doing. Lovely I must say. To answer your question Lizzie, the movie that is coming out is The Dark Knight (Batman)!!!! Haha, anyway, I didn't get to go shopping yesterday and completely forgot that I had a piano lesson. So, Heidi showed up and I was like WT heck! Needless to say, well actually it wasn't that bad, I had practiced, but I swear if I don't learn those scales I will be skewered. Mom is still buying random things for me (she's hilarious) and I need to go through my room and kind of see what I will be taking. I also need to call Shawna and see if she got that application yet. There is no way I am sticking around here and once again be known as the talker and not the doer. So, there is that. Classes are almost over and so is my job!! Don't get me wrong, I like the people I work with, but the job is getting a bit old. It's actually the longest I've ever stayed at one job. Hmmm.....this morning I will probably practice the piano a bit and then Leah is coming back to get me (such a nice sister, :-)). Ugh, kind of annoying that I can't drive! Oh well, cross your fingers, knock on wood, whatever you wanna do, hopefully I can get it this time. Now, I can continue babbling or leave you all in peace--I think I will do the latter.
~It's a small world after all....."

Here I am again....

Good morning! Ok, so I forgot my cell phone (probably no big deal) and I once again have nothing to do until 8:45am. Lets see, last night I was stupid and drank tea with caffeine in it, so I was in and out of sleep till about 2:30 this morning. Woke up as usual and didn't really feel like changing clothes to much, so I wore my shorts and sweat shirt. Ooo ooo, but I do get to go shopping today, just have to cash my check and put some in savings. Mom has been buying kitchen supplies so I now have knifes, other utensils, and a pan on my bed. Course my room is a mess, now I have those things piled on my bed as well. Oh joy! We might be going to Portland this weekend....not the most eventful thing in the world, but we'll see. Ummm.......yeah, not much else to say this morning. Though I really REALLY want to take a shower. Just have to wait till my class is over :-(. Seven days till the best movie ever comes out! lol....random
~Heads or tails......"

Ok, new plan....

So, I am to bored. I am in the basement of the college library, wearing what looks like pajamas (moms sweatshirt and a skirt and tennis shoes, lol). Anywho, I was thinking up a list of what I was thankful for and I have time, so yeah, here tis:

1. I'm thankful for my dad, who though he claims wasn't really there for us when were were younger, is there for us now. He listens to all the problems we have, gives advice, laughs and has good times with us and really makes you think. I'm thankful that he is my dad and for his love.

2. I'm thankful for my mom. Though she can be quite a crab sometimes and pessimistic, I would not trade her. She is the comforter in the family, the slave driver (lol), the one that stayed in meeting and kept on going. She is a strong person and at times a nut. Least she's a bit dorky as well.

3. For my friends. I used to think that I could easily be a hermit and live with the woodland creatures like Snow White, haha, but that is not the case anymore. I'm thankful that I have friends that I can hang out with, laugh with, talk with, and encourage me as much as I try to encourage them. (I guess I could count all my family in here as well).

4. My sister who I've grown up with. We're there for each other, are close in spirit and heart. Though I would like to ring her neck sometimes and block out the chatter, she will always be my other half. It goes beyond words I guess.

5. The truth and all that that implies. I am thankful that I have and know the purpose of this life. I'm thankful that I was born into a family that kept on going in the way and that I am trying to make it my own. Yes, sometimes it is hard and I would just like to stop going against everything, but in the end, if I did give up, it wouldn't have been worth it. I'm thankful for the One that loves us, for the hope, grace, and forgiveness. I only hope that someday I can truly say that the love given is not just one sided. Not that I don't love Him, it's just that I need to know Him more.

Ok, so I have run out of time, that is just the small list, but covers a lot of everything. Gotta go, toodles :-)
~Love can survive and grow through any of life's experiences, save neglect...."

The 1st of December!

Cannot believe it, December is here again! Alright well, I am really hyper this morning with nothing to do for the next hour and then I go to take a math test, woot! So, I have no idea when I wrote last. Not much has been happening really. Ah! That is what I forgot this morning, music! Well anyway, yesterday I went to morning meeting with mom, then went out to lunch with the Zinikers, David, Roger, and Rich. Quite eventful....well not really, but it was nice to see Bryna and Nicole and catch up a bit on everything. We then went home (poor dad came in to lunch when everyone was finished) and I found a book to read, got seriously tired and took a nap. Mom woke me up an hour later to go to afternoon meeting (carpooling again with Roger and Rich) and I wasn't in the most social mood after not sleeping long enough (by my standards). So, as Rich put it so nicely I was a bear. Ha, once I woke up and was in meeting I was not such a....uh, not sure how to put it. We went to afternoon meeting, which was the last one in La Pine and then we went to DQ for ice cream (you'd think the thought of something cold to eat would turn people away from the stuff, but nope). We sat around and talked forever and then I got home....and I'm trying to think of what I did. I think Leah was watching a movie, so I joined her for a bit before I got bored and went back to reading my book. Insidently (sp?) I stayed up till 2 in the morning reading it (awesome book!) but I didn't finish it yet. So, I am running on 4 hours of sleep and did voice impersonations all morning. I basically talked to talk and had nothing really to say, just trying to keep the morning cheery. Mom said I should have less sleep more often. Riiiggghhhttt. I work today and have a class--going to go to the gym and then tonight Julie is having a dinner thing at her house. Not sure who is invited, but hopefully I'm not dead on my feet. I am now running out of steam on this thing, so I think I will do something else around here. Plus I don't want to carry on, even though I do have more to say. Have a great day everybody!
~What wonder life holds...."
PS. wow not much description, sorry!