I don't know if this will come out right....

Tonight I was talking to Leah, yet again. She's worried that she wont get the surgery and she'll have to carry on longer in her own personal hell in the form of physical problems. Pessimism is her overbearing quality these days, but I guess I couldn't blame her. She does give me time to think about things in a spiritual way when she brings up the problems in her life. Just being worried about the future--what she's doing--got me to thinking about what I worry about in life. I think to much about relationships, guys, where I will end up career wise--mostly relationships right now. I've heard a few stories about people's obsessions and that is all they have time for. I know that there is one obsession I will always live with, though I don't let it consume me. If I did, I'd end up like a couple summers back--unhappy, in a tunnel (so to speak), and with no rest what-so-ever. I know I was born with a problem: OCD and depression, but I don't try to dwell on those things. Now I'm just getting off subject. I was talking the other day with Heidi and I asked if I had changed at all over this year. She said I had grown spiritually and I always doubt myself on that one. I was also talking to Leah about a month ago and we were just looking more closely at the people that we really are. Not just what other people see, but what we saw in each other and in ourselves. There is a part of me that I don't like very much. It's proud, dark, jealous, and wants only the world and the things in it. Leah made some comments about it and it made me want to accept that side of me, become a different person, just because I would be able to take pride in it and to have the glory. I'd rather be noticed for my spiritual steps--not for my human nature (if that makes sense). Instead of worrying about where life may lead or what my lot will be, I'd hope that I would put God first and serve Him. Today Leah was talking about--after a year of having dealt with physical problems--not having a purpose or direction and how would she ever get back on her feet? Live for something other then yourself; something outside yourself. I look at people worrying about life, anxious to start life--but really, we're only here for one purpose. I think I have realized for myself that no matter what happens I can always continue to live for God--though I'm not a lot of times faithful to that. You look at kids, they live for the day and nothing else, no worry for the future. Looking at adults they only seem to live in the future. Constantly worrying about bills, whether the house is clean or not, what to wear to a social function (maybe not that, but you get the jist). Those things are important here on earth, but what will it matter when your life is over, when you didn't take the time to live for something that will last beyond the grave. We live in times of war, but when peace comes what do we do? We rebuild, plant and watch things grow. There is a purpose for every season in our lives. I don't know, it was just so much more profound for me to realize that, while I do care what other people think--what they see and what they think really doesn't matter, compared to what God thinks. I picture myself living in a new place, out on my own living my own life, and how will I spend it? There's working, meeting new people and hanging out with friends, sleeping, eating and the like--but there is always something that comes to mind and is constant and that is the picture of me sitting in my room reading. I don't want to sound into myself or righteous, but when I picture that I think of the world moving all around me with their busy lives and for me--just for a time everything is standing still in that room. I choose to show the world the side of me that everyone sees because 1. the other side would scare most people 2. it would scare me as well 3. I don't want to get lost in myself 4. that side does not desire spiritual things and is angry a lot. I'd rather be to people a friend, not just a shoulder or a listening ear that doesn't really care--I am a shy person, one that some find to be unapproachable and hard to talk to....that thought died in my head. I'm going in circles and got lost in my thoughts. I should go to bed...
~Live for others every day, be a blessing while you may, ever loving kind and true, Jesus' love in all you do...."