I don't know if this will come out right....

Tonight I was talking to Leah, yet again. She's worried that she wont get the surgery and she'll have to carry on longer in her own personal hell in the form of physical problems. Pessimism is her overbearing quality these days, but I guess I couldn't blame her. She does give me time to think about things in a spiritual way when she brings up the problems in her life. Just being worried about the future--what she's doing--got me to thinking about what I worry about in life. I think to much about relationships, guys, where I will end up career wise--mostly relationships right now. I've heard a few stories about people's obsessions and that is all they have time for. I know that there is one obsession I will always live with, though I don't let it consume me. If I did, I'd end up like a couple summers back--unhappy, in a tunnel (so to speak), and with no rest what-so-ever. I know I was born with a problem: OCD and depression, but I don't try to dwell on those things. Now I'm just getting off subject. I was talking the other day with Heidi and I asked if I had changed at all over this year. She said I had grown spiritually and I always doubt myself on that one. I was also talking to Leah about a month ago and we were just looking more closely at the people that we really are. Not just what other people see, but what we saw in each other and in ourselves. There is a part of me that I don't like very much. It's proud, dark, jealous, and wants only the world and the things in it. Leah made some comments about it and it made me want to accept that side of me, become a different person, just because I would be able to take pride in it and to have the glory. I'd rather be noticed for my spiritual steps--not for my human nature (if that makes sense). Instead of worrying about where life may lead or what my lot will be, I'd hope that I would put God first and serve Him. Today Leah was talking about--after a year of having dealt with physical problems--not having a purpose or direction and how would she ever get back on her feet? Live for something other then yourself; something outside yourself. I look at people worrying about life, anxious to start life--but really, we're only here for one purpose. I think I have realized for myself that no matter what happens I can always continue to live for God--though I'm not a lot of times faithful to that. You look at kids, they live for the day and nothing else, no worry for the future. Looking at adults they only seem to live in the future. Constantly worrying about bills, whether the house is clean or not, what to wear to a social function (maybe not that, but you get the jist). Those things are important here on earth, but what will it matter when your life is over, when you didn't take the time to live for something that will last beyond the grave. We live in times of war, but when peace comes what do we do? We rebuild, plant and watch things grow. There is a purpose for every season in our lives. I don't know, it was just so much more profound for me to realize that, while I do care what other people think--what they see and what they think really doesn't matter, compared to what God thinks. I picture myself living in a new place, out on my own living my own life, and how will I spend it? There's working, meeting new people and hanging out with friends, sleeping, eating and the like--but there is always something that comes to mind and is constant and that is the picture of me sitting in my room reading. I don't want to sound into myself or righteous, but when I picture that I think of the world moving all around me with their busy lives and for me--just for a time everything is standing still in that room. I choose to show the world the side of me that everyone sees because 1. the other side would scare most people 2. it would scare me as well 3. I don't want to get lost in myself 4. that side does not desire spiritual things and is angry a lot. I'd rather be to people a friend, not just a shoulder or a listening ear that doesn't really care--I am a shy person, one that some find to be unapproachable and hard to talk to....that thought died in my head. I'm going in circles and got lost in my thoughts. I should go to bed...
~Live for others every day, be a blessing while you may, ever loving kind and true, Jesus' love in all you do...."

25th......

Alright well, last time I wrote was....Friday? I have no idea. Nothing has really been happening around here. Though I had fun on Tuesday!! Heidi came to pick me up to go sledding and we got lost--talking does wonders eh? Well, we finally got to where we were sledding and everyone was cruising down the hills. First one I went on I didn't see the bump at the bottom of it, so I went flying and did a face plant in the snow. That was COLD! Yeah, as Devon and Connor stood laughing at the top of the hill--they were the ones that suggested I go down that one. Ha! We got a train going, that was great too, big dog pile! So, by the time we were done my jeans were soaked....from the snow. Heidi's car got stuck, so we had the guys help us out a bit with the pushing. I did a tiny bit, but probably not enough to make a difference, lol. Anyway, went to the Maricle's house, thankfully got to change my clothes and then everyone raced for the computers. Course everyone started showing up. There were skits performed, after as much practice as ten minutes. I was in a group with Mike, Rogan, Frank, and Connor--and we did Igor and his monster. So three of us were supposed to be attacked and killed. Lol, I got dragged by my arm and pretended to be dead and Connor rasps out "This one's heavy master!" Hahaha, I wacked him once I was undead. Should have kept my board, though I think I did hit him a little to hard. Anyway, everyone once again raced for the computers and I got to lay and stare at the ceiling while playing this the feather duster. I did hit Devon with it when he was being a dork, don't think he took to kindly to that, so I kept the duster to myself. Ha, I did get to play a game though, I'm not to good of a player--but I like to try. That game lasted FOREVER! After that we were kicked off and out of the room. So, stood around talking until dad got there. Twas a fun day! Other then that, we went out to lunch yesterday with mom and dad for our b-day and then went shopping. Went to meeting and then came home and stayed up till 1:30 this morning. Then mom was being a bear trying to get us to do some stuff. I went out in my shorts and t-shirt to clear the drive way. I'm getting used to the cold weather, plus you get warm really fast anyway. For the rest of the day we'll probably be playing games and yeah....maybe I can go on a walk and escape from the house. I actually should probably go, looks like lunch is almost done. Hope everyone has a great day!
~I am dreaming tonight, of a place that I love, even more then I usually do......"

Sleep in heavenly peace......song playing right now

'Ello all....so yesterday I went shopping came home, Carol and Holly came over to go to a concert with mom and dad. I wanted to go to the gym, but as it happens I would have been there for 3 hours and that wasn't the best prospect (though I guess I could have gone swimming). Leah and I hung out till the dults got back and then I got herded out of my room. So, I slept with Darthvader, while Homeslice and Sasquatch took over my room. Mom and dad's bed is soooo uncomfortable, it's to soft--so if you lay on your stomach like I do then your neck is careened backwards. Ah well, I slept good for the most part until the bed hog moved in to take mom's place. Then I had a knee in my side, so I moved to the living room couch. Mom thought I was suffocating myself (I had my nose pressed into the back of the couch) so she so kindly woke me up. Lol, what a night I'll say. This morning everyone got up and was chatting/talking, whatever it is that women do and neither Carol or Holly had clean clothes so we all stayed here and had meeting. Which was surprisingly nice, though I wanted to go to meeting. There's something different about having such a small personal group of people....Anyway, we talked for 2 hours and yeah. I got my shower and now lunch is being made. I kind of feel all talked out, now all I want to do is play games or get out and walk/run/play/toss something! Hah, ah well, such is life. Till later everybody :D
~Thou thinkest Lord of me...."

As the world turns......

So it's been four days since I wrote last. I've been using my journal more cause I can obviously write about more things then just the surface stuff. This week has been one with sitting, walking downtown, more sitting, going bonkers, going to the gym, and shoveling snow off the driveway. Leah is content to sit and twiddle her thumbs, but by the afternoon I get a lil impatient and stir crazy. Just having a bit of trouble trying to convince myself to go out in the snow and walk anywhere. I guess I have been shopping to--here and there--and reading books. I've been rereading a ton of books I have. Anyone have a good book to read? Much appreciated!! ANYWAY....In four days I turn 19, can't believe it! Mom is still bugging the heck out of me and Leah asking what we want to do for our b-day, but I'm just gonna have fun going sledding on Tuesday, so that'll work for me as far as excitement goes. Plus there is a capture the flag game on Saturday! I really don't care what we do for our birthday this year. Hmmm......well, there really isn't much that I am thinking of at the moment. Partly cause I want to get out of here and do something and partly cause there are quite a few people talking in the background. Guess I should head out, toodles!
~Time passes slowly, an hour can seem an eternity...."

Tuesday!

I wrote last Friday, not much happened over the weekend though. It did snow :-( and on Saturday me and mom went shopping for 5 hours I think. That was fun anyway. Then on Sunday, went to meeting and then to Carol and Holly's house after going out to lunch in Redmond. Mom thought I had goo for brains (wearing no socks and no coat in freezing weather) so we went shopping once again before afternoon meeting. After that, we got home and I started reading a book that I haven't read for years, great so far! The snow decided to stick....yesterday we hung out for the morning and did chores and such and then found out that grandma was going into the hospital because she was having heart problems. So, mom got off work early and we went to the hospital. I hate going there--to many bad memories for me. But anyway, we found grandma's room and stayed there until we had to go to our appointments. They were doing tests....after going to our appointment we came home, mom went back to the hospital, and dad took me to my piano recital. Ha, I think I practiced for 45 minutes before going....didn't help to much with the nerves though. Anyway, mom showed up before the recital started and surprisingly there weren't to many people there. The little kids were so cute! lol, I was gonna stand up before I played and say that "I didn't have the excuse of the cute factor like the little ones did, but to bear with me," I'd rather break up the silence before doing anything in front of a crowd. Unfortunately I didn't do that ha. I played my song and got done and really couldn't remember playing much of it. Sort of blanked out, not a good thing when I got lost and really wasn't used to the sound of that piano--or the keys. No excuses, just saying. I play the piano for me, not for other people. I relate music to different times in my life. That's why I like slower songs--you can put more emotion into them. And that is why I can sit and play the piano for hours, I get lost in it. Which is awesome! Compared to playing the viola. Haha, you'd think with how I sound though that I don't practice much ;-) hahaha. Ah well, nerves have never served me well. After that, we went to the candy shop and mom and I got to talking yet again. Sometimes it's hard to talk to mom, but sometimes it's just the thing I need. But I got home and read a book and fell asleep, only to wake up at 1:30am, drink tea, and read till three. Got up this morning at 8, read some more, and then cleaned the house. I still need to take a shower though. Might go for a walk--who knows. In the past month I didn't write at all in my journal, but I finally did and I had definitely forgotten the freedom of it. Just to say anything and not worry about people reading it. Ok, now I am rambling--later.
~What would I give, what would be the cost, to regain something that I have lost...?"

Good day ol' chap!

Friday! Ugh, the phone! Ok, so I am trying to get everything sorted to move. I might be moving later then I planned, so you all get to deal with me for about a week or two more. YAH! I know, partay, lol. I can't remember when I wrote, apparently it was boring though. Today I work for 3 hours and it's almost up. Finals are done--yada yada. My weeks are really not to exciting. Last night though mom brought in a WHOLE LOT of candy. Thankgoodness Leah and I got rid of most of it (giving it to the people at work and such). It was actually quite fun. We made up a box of stuff for dad's work too, since guys don't usually do anything for the holidays--it's a whole office of guys and according to dad, one girl that thinks she's a guy. Ha, now there is something I should look into when I get a career....who wants to bother getting that stuff? Lol, I know I'm terrible. Though yesterday Leah and I had a great conversation, kind of interesting anyway. Here's a question for everyone: Do you think there is more to you then other people see? Even yourself? Obviously there is more then other people see, but do you think you know who you are completely. Like every part of you? I know, retarded, but it is interesting to ACTUALLY sit and talk about it and get other people's opinions. Anyway, I got some more work to do, so I'll get back to you all later :D
~If that light be darkness, how great is that darkness...?" (Not word for word there)

I should be asleep.....

Only problem is I went to bed really early and got up and decided to read. So here I am at this hour just messin around on the computer--though I'll probably go to bed after this. Today was the usual: school (took a final in math) and worked for 6 hours. Tomorrow I'm not sure what I am doing. This is the last week I work and the last week of school. As for the whole moving thing-sometime in January. Still bugging the heck out of Shawna about the whole job thing :-). There's not to much to look forward to at the moment I guess. Everything seems to be flying by. Well, there is the recital next Monday I think, then our b-day on the 24th, Christmas (though I have no idea what we are doing, if anything). I think I might be here for new years, and Heidi's get together thing, and then I was thinking about going to Portland special meetings--I don't think I will be here for Bend's. Anyway, I don't know, I really haven't had many thoughts. I go through my day talking to people and nothing really interesting comes up. Sure there is the talk about school, work, guys, plans, etc etc., but it would be nice to actually have a uh....meaningful? conversation. I'm not one for small talk all the time. Ah, here I am complaining again, sheesh! I've got way to many thoughts going in my head and no way of putting them into words really. Ok! Time to go to bed, before this actually turns into a journal entry that should go into my journal and not here. Goodnight all! I may write later when my thoughts are more together.
~There's a time for everything, we just have to have the patience to wait....."
~Don't worry life away, you only have one chance to live it....."
~Looking back only increases the fear of going forward--let go of the familiar and embrace what may be a blessing ahead..."

Kaput....

I got to sleep in today! Marvelous I've gotta say--though it was only till like 7:30am. That's sleeping in for me. Felt good anyway. Trying to remember what I did. I read the readers digest to mom in a british (some southern) accent, cleaned the bird cage, and practically practiced the piano all day. I did walk downtown though and we went to the new candy store "Powell's Candy". My goodness, talk about fun to look through! They even have scorpions, worms, and grasshoppers in suckers. Gross, but as I said, fun to look around. Now Larea is over (I think she needed a break from studying and such) so everyone is just hanging out in the living room. Not much else has happened today. Just a lazy day I guess and it's such a pain having to save all my money :-(. Oh well, gotta do what ya gotta do.
~Williwonka anyone....?

One thing down, a few million to go.....

Alright, so life has improved slightly--or the outlook anyway. Though I did wake up with a booming headache because I was dehydrated. So, that was fun. Mom woke me up at 6 telling me she thought I should drive some more. It took a bit to get out of bed, but then I had to wake Leah up so she could go with me. We had to go to Julie and Rachel's house to get her license (we had to break into our car) which was actually quite amusing at that time in the morning. I drove around for about an hour and then took mom to work and drove around some more. Though I did find time to practice the piano sometime this morning. Trying to get ready for the recital, which I'm going to be really nervous about once it roles around. We went to the DMV and I sat in the car for about 15 minutes waiting for the guy that was going driving with me. Good time to get myself calmed down for the most part. The drive went fast and yes I passed it this time!!! Thank-goodness! Now all I have to worry about is getting the app. from Shawna. Drove around for about 2-3 hours, got lost on back roads and went to the Maricles--though I'm pretty sure they were busy at the time. Heidi was teaching piano lessons and I'm not sure what the guys were doing. Ha! I didn't even get to see your new laptop! Ah well....I've kind of been in a strange mood all day. I blame the headache! So, there is my eventful thing for the day, now everyone can get off my back about it--phew*.
~Sometimes words fail....."

So, you think you know it all do you?.....

Random title above....so anyway! Life changes faster then you can ever realize. Dad is losing his job, mom is trying to sell a lot of stuff around here and they might end up moving. Gotta look at some options, but they might be moving out of Bend. We'll see--no one knows the future around here. I feel bad about moving, but at the same time I want to get away. I want to be there for mom, dad, and Leah--but mom said that she thinks they can make it. Keep it optimistic! Anywho, school is almost over and my job ends next week. I have been working there for 6 months, hard to believe. So, now that this is all happening it makes you think about a lot of the different stories people have told and the ones that you read in the bible. There's a reason for everything.....Getting ready for a piano recital and yeah. Not to much really.....I think I'll go do something.
~When overhead the sky may clouded be, just hear the father say, this to shall pass it bears the promise of a brighter clearer day....."

.......Title.......

Alright, so I am bored and this is what I am doing. Lovely I must say. To answer your question Lizzie, the movie that is coming out is The Dark Knight (Batman)!!!! Haha, anyway, I didn't get to go shopping yesterday and completely forgot that I had a piano lesson. So, Heidi showed up and I was like WT heck! Needless to say, well actually it wasn't that bad, I had practiced, but I swear if I don't learn those scales I will be skewered. Mom is still buying random things for me (she's hilarious) and I need to go through my room and kind of see what I will be taking. I also need to call Shawna and see if she got that application yet. There is no way I am sticking around here and once again be known as the talker and not the doer. So, there is that. Classes are almost over and so is my job!! Don't get me wrong, I like the people I work with, but the job is getting a bit old. It's actually the longest I've ever stayed at one job. Hmmm.....this morning I will probably practice the piano a bit and then Leah is coming back to get me (such a nice sister, :-)). Ugh, kind of annoying that I can't drive! Oh well, cross your fingers, knock on wood, whatever you wanna do, hopefully I can get it this time. Now, I can continue babbling or leave you all in peace--I think I will do the latter.
~It's a small world after all....."

Here I am again....

Good morning! Ok, so I forgot my cell phone (probably no big deal) and I once again have nothing to do until 8:45am. Lets see, last night I was stupid and drank tea with caffeine in it, so I was in and out of sleep till about 2:30 this morning. Woke up as usual and didn't really feel like changing clothes to much, so I wore my shorts and sweat shirt. Ooo ooo, but I do get to go shopping today, just have to cash my check and put some in savings. Mom has been buying kitchen supplies so I now have knifes, other utensils, and a pan on my bed. Course my room is a mess, now I have those things piled on my bed as well. Oh joy! We might be going to Portland this weekend....not the most eventful thing in the world, but we'll see. Ummm.......yeah, not much else to say this morning. Though I really REALLY want to take a shower. Just have to wait till my class is over :-(. Seven days till the best movie ever comes out! lol....random
~Heads or tails......"

Ok, new plan....

So, I am to bored. I am in the basement of the college library, wearing what looks like pajamas (moms sweatshirt and a skirt and tennis shoes, lol). Anywho, I was thinking up a list of what I was thankful for and I have time, so yeah, here tis:

1. I'm thankful for my dad, who though he claims wasn't really there for us when were were younger, is there for us now. He listens to all the problems we have, gives advice, laughs and has good times with us and really makes you think. I'm thankful that he is my dad and for his love.

2. I'm thankful for my mom. Though she can be quite a crab sometimes and pessimistic, I would not trade her. She is the comforter in the family, the slave driver (lol), the one that stayed in meeting and kept on going. She is a strong person and at times a nut. Least she's a bit dorky as well.

3. For my friends. I used to think that I could easily be a hermit and live with the woodland creatures like Snow White, haha, but that is not the case anymore. I'm thankful that I have friends that I can hang out with, laugh with, talk with, and encourage me as much as I try to encourage them. (I guess I could count all my family in here as well).

4. My sister who I've grown up with. We're there for each other, are close in spirit and heart. Though I would like to ring her neck sometimes and block out the chatter, she will always be my other half. It goes beyond words I guess.

5. The truth and all that that implies. I am thankful that I have and know the purpose of this life. I'm thankful that I was born into a family that kept on going in the way and that I am trying to make it my own. Yes, sometimes it is hard and I would just like to stop going against everything, but in the end, if I did give up, it wouldn't have been worth it. I'm thankful for the One that loves us, for the hope, grace, and forgiveness. I only hope that someday I can truly say that the love given is not just one sided. Not that I don't love Him, it's just that I need to know Him more.

Ok, so I have run out of time, that is just the small list, but covers a lot of everything. Gotta go, toodles :-)
~Love can survive and grow through any of life's experiences, save neglect...."

The 1st of December!

Cannot believe it, December is here again! Alright well, I am really hyper this morning with nothing to do for the next hour and then I go to take a math test, woot! So, I have no idea when I wrote last. Not much has been happening really. Ah! That is what I forgot this morning, music! Well anyway, yesterday I went to morning meeting with mom, then went out to lunch with the Zinikers, David, Roger, and Rich. Quite eventful....well not really, but it was nice to see Bryna and Nicole and catch up a bit on everything. We then went home (poor dad came in to lunch when everyone was finished) and I found a book to read, got seriously tired and took a nap. Mom woke me up an hour later to go to afternoon meeting (carpooling again with Roger and Rich) and I wasn't in the most social mood after not sleeping long enough (by my standards). So, as Rich put it so nicely I was a bear. Ha, once I woke up and was in meeting I was not such a....uh, not sure how to put it. We went to afternoon meeting, which was the last one in La Pine and then we went to DQ for ice cream (you'd think the thought of something cold to eat would turn people away from the stuff, but nope). We sat around and talked forever and then I got home....and I'm trying to think of what I did. I think Leah was watching a movie, so I joined her for a bit before I got bored and went back to reading my book. Insidently (sp?) I stayed up till 2 in the morning reading it (awesome book!) but I didn't finish it yet. So, I am running on 4 hours of sleep and did voice impersonations all morning. I basically talked to talk and had nothing really to say, just trying to keep the morning cheery. Mom said I should have less sleep more often. Riiiggghhhttt. I work today and have a class--going to go to the gym and then tonight Julie is having a dinner thing at her house. Not sure who is invited, but hopefully I'm not dead on my feet. I am now running out of steam on this thing, so I think I will do something else around here. Plus I don't want to carry on, even though I do have more to say. Have a great day everybody!
~What wonder life holds...."
PS. wow not much description, sorry!

Day after thanksgiving.....

I'll back up to Wednesday I think. So, I went to work and I really didn't see the point in having the college open, because hardly anyone was there. Got home, then went to meeting, and then went to Larea's house while she collected her stuff to bake and stay the night at our house. Took forever, but she had fun. I went to bed at about midnight after calling a few people and Leah and Larea stayed up till about 3 in the morning baking pies and whatnot. Fortunately I did weasel my way out of helping in the kitchen (there were enough occupants anyway). But we had the Tocis over, grandparents, and Rich....so thanksgiving went as it normally does. A whole lot of cooking and baking, people eat in about 30 minutes, then there are a lot of things to clean up and you dive into the desert. I wanted to go to a get together, but mom thought it was a bad idea (with company an' all) so instead dad and I went walking up the Butte and then went driving. It was nice to get to talk to him after not talking for a while (long conversation wise). Got back home and either people were playing games or watching a movie. It was kind of a relief when the house got quiet. So, I went to bed at about 11 and slept pretty good. This morning is VERY slow, I haven't even taken a shower yet. Mom went out to see granny, Leah went over to Larea's, dad is at work and I am hanging out by myself for a day. Might go walking somewhere or something. Who knows, I'll find something to do. Anyway, I think I'm gonna try to find something to do now, maybe take a shower ha, so later....

I don't have a title for this one, once again....

HELLO!!!! Yes, it has been a while. I didn't really realize it. Well, I am working today and am the only one at the front desk for 5 more hours. Not to bad. Today is a super slow day and the fog is rolling in. I feel a WHOLE lot better then I have been. Either I'm in really bad shape or something else is going on cause I've been exhausted. I went to bed at 6:30pm last night and have been going to bed at 8:00 every night for the last 7 days. Interesting I know. Anyway, mom is panicking about thanksgiving tomorrow and there is no way I can possibly weazel (sp?) my way out of helping out in the kitchen, bummer! Uh, nothing else is really ringing a bell here. Just doing some packing around the house (not much) going to miss playing the piano, and mom is crying on the job cause I am leaving. Poor ma :-(. Hmm....lately I have been trying to break out of my shell a lil bit more and am trying to be more honest and open with people. Forgive me if I uh...make you uncomfortable? Or tell me at least! Alright, weird!! Some guy just stopped in the door to watch me. They really do need a sign around here that says "No flirting with the library help! Thank you and have a nice day!" lol. So, anywho, I think I am going to read a bit or do something else around here, later :-))
~Then there's just one problem left....how much I'm going to miss her...."

Don't jump now, the worst is yet to come, haha

Tonight I don't really feel like writing, but I'll try to make it through this one. So, I have no idea where I left off. I went to class yesterday and did something else I can't remember. It must have been exciting.....oh, though I did have fun in my gym class. We had these harness things attached to bungee cords and one person would be holding onto the cords restraining the person in the harness as they ran/walked/lunged (sp?). Ha, the lady I was with didn't hold on good enough the first time, so it snapped my butt. That stung, but it was pretty funny to see her expression. Lol, I'm such a tard. Anyway, my brain is kind of spinning tonight. I've got 3 classes tomorrow, a test in one, and then on Friday--ugh that is going to be busy! I have a class at nine, then I work from 10-1:00, but have to get out early to go to this extra credit thing that last from 1-2 hours (not sure), then there is that sing and there was something else I wanted to do as well! Oy, I'm going to be glad when I get my test out of the way. I wanna take a shower!! But I have to study for my test :-(. Alright, I had this whole "deep thinking" thing, lol--but there is no time, so I might post tomorrow. NIGHT!
~Things are as bad as they could possibly get....I stand corrected..." (though really life isn't bad, it's just hectic)

You are my sunshine......

Alright, so there is nothing new. Moving has been taking up a lot of my brain these days and I wouldn't mind moving sooner. I went to work yesterday and then went shopping and came home and read a book. What a day...I did go to the gym though before work, so it wasn't to bad. Today I am trying to convince myself to go to school (probably will) but I'm not feeling it this morning. Hmm....On Sunday there was the usual happening. We went to morning meeting (which was very nice, I will miss mine) and then we had granny and grampa over, Rich, and Larae for lunch. Mom put this HUGE piece of wood on top of our table to make it bigger. Don't get me wrong, it is quite nice being able to look at everyone around the table instead of just the people in front of you, but if that thing tips and throws everything that is on it, it wasn't me! We'll cross our fingers shall we? Wow, can't believe that it's already the third week in November, I still have to change my calendar, oops....where was I? Ah right, so then we went to afternoon meeting and then I got to ride home with Heidi. That was great!! We should totally get together more often! Ugh, my mind just went blank. Today all I am doing is going to school, big woop there I'm tellin ya. But anyway, I'll get back to ya'll later....as to the heading of this, that was a song that was stuck in my head this morning...actually a sad song right there--
~Remember, remember the 5th of November....

Uhhuh....

Well well, yesterday I didn't really feel like posting anything because there really wasn't anything to tell. Though today there is nothing to tell either...so. I went to school yesterday and went to work, haven't had my phone with me, so I don't call or get calls from anyone. Didn't do to much last night. haha, but I did find out that Leah had a late night visitor that climbed through her window and I thought she was just moving things around, puh! Apparently Leah and Josh are trying to set me up with a guy I know from school. Oy vay! This morning I got up and was going to take a shower, but it turned cold, so now I can't take one till 5 tonight because I can't get my arm wet. I played the piano this morning and then went and gave blood. Good time for Leah and me to catch up on things. About the whole thing on moving, I don't think it is a question of if it's going to happen , just when. I will definitely miss everyone here--but it's not like I'm never coming back. I don't know the future, so who knows (knock on wood). Destination: Montana--who I'm going to live with: Shawna! That will be fun! Now I'm doing what I said I wouldn't--telling people ahead of time. Larea also wants to go on a road trip, we'll see if that happens. But if we did, I would be gone on my b-day and then packing up to move when I got back. Wow.....hey Drew, I don't know how to uh, add viewing your blog thing to mine...? ha, ummm, anyway. I'm trying to think, not much else is going on. Just feel a bit light headed right now--other then that....been thinking about what I heard at convention about the married couple that was going to give up on their marriage. It was a neat story anyway. They planted a tree and then said if the tree died they would get a divorce, but if it lived they would stay together. Well, they both took care of that tree and their marriage grew and they stayed married. It just meant more to me looking at it this week....just that everything is not perfect all the time but that we have to work at it--and if we really care about it that much--we wont let it die. Whatever it is that we are struggling with. And some things we just have to give time to. Right now in my life I figure if things work out and the plans go through, then it's meant to happen (kind of thing), if not, then no. It's all in Gods time and patience on our part is a good thing, a necessary thing. So, I'll see what life brings. As a quote says "some things fall apart, for others to fall together." For some people it makes no sense to go about it that way. They say, you make your own life and that's true. I guess if you look at it from that point of view--if you aren't going to fight to keep it or do whatever, does it really hold much value for you, or do you really want it? I mean, you go through life and you fail at things, but that doesn't mean you just give up and try something new or leave it in the dust. Jeez, now I'm confusing myself. I know what my view is, I just like looking at things from every angle. That's probably why I don't get into fights most of the time, I like to hear other peoples opinions and I don't try to change them. If the world was the same everywhere it would be boring. SO, my arm is hurting and I am getting a lil tired, plus this thing is long enough.....later!
~Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain...."

Stay.....

Well, I am thinking way to much tonight. I pretty much did what I said I would do yesterday, so there is nothing to catch up on there. Though meeting was....there is really no words. It was nice to hear Kevin speak. Ashley was there for once, I really miss that girl! Ha, I wont say what came to mind. Kind of a random tangent. So, this morning I went to my classes--my gym class I overdid it a bit (just a bit) and ended up a bit stiff, nothing to big. And then my sociology class wasn't to bad. Just listening to music now--man some of these songs remind me of some good times. I don't know, there are some things I wont even look back on about this year, but there are a lot of times and things I am going to sorely miss. Lately I seem to think that by leaving or distancing myself from things (a lot of things) then I wont miss those parts anymore. I'll be excited to leave, but I'll miss everything and everyone here. But that's a step in life you have to take. Sure I wouldn't mind never leaving my parents (maybe moving out into an apartment, but staying in Bend)....ah I don't know. It'll be an interesting time. I wont miss the drama from earlier in the year, I wont miss how I used to be (I've grown some), I wont miss my uncertainties, jealousies, insecurities...but I will miss the friendships, the closeness of some of the people I have come to know, the endless talking, the joy I felt (not to say that still can't and isn't happening, there were just times when I felt that nothing could touch me)...ha, I guess I shouldn't look back so much. Move ahead--you can't run a race facing backwards. As it says, not quoting, something to the effect that those who put their hand to the plow and look back to the life they had before and long for that life instead are not fit for the kingdom. Not sure, but that verse is always a good one to read. ANYWAY, on a happy note, Larea is coming over to make brownies and hang out and dad and Leah FINALLY went shopping! Jeez I need a shower....probably wont get one tonight though. Night :-))!
~I'll miss you, I'll miss my girl, just promise me you wont stay away forever..."

SWEET!!!

Ok, so yesterday kind of sucked in the way of doing anything. Not to mention the hormones around here, haha. I'll clarify for those who may be lost--mom and Leah were pretty much in a tiff all day. I looked for jobs online and mom watched how to make curtains and Leah read a book. I think it was about 4:30 when dad finally got up. Anyway, me and mom were going bonkers so we got out and went shopping. Just for the walk mainly--which turned out to be a lot of fun. We talked (we do that a ton lately) and yeah. It was just nice to get out of the house. I think we were gone for about 2 hours or more. I got a purse (mom's idea, I lose things haha) and I'd rather use it as a bible bag and have a wallet, but pants pockets aren't that big. Anyway, went to bed after a while and woke up to check my email. I'm so thrilled!!! Though I don't know if it is to good to be true or not, I have to email back and set some things up, but I would be stoked if it came through!!! Off to school and work this morning and then to meeting! Hey, my headache is gone!!! What luck, I had it for 4 days. Oh hey lizzy, sorry I didn't get to call last night, got a bit caught up with things, sorry!! Anywho, toodles, keep your fingers crossed.
~I think I'm quite ready for another adventure...."

Just jugglin ideas.....

Ok, I worked seven hours yesterday (oh what fun) though two of them were spent watching "Friends" on the computer because I was the only one covering the circulation desk and the ILL desk as well. SOO, yeah--long day and then got home and played the piano and read a book. Fun stuff. Today there is no school or work because it is veterans day! This morning me and mom had a study and then got on the subject of politics. It's been a pretty slow morning. Did chores, still need to get a shower, and then we're going out to do some shopping and looking around for possible jobs. Other than that--not much. Wow, oh well, everyone needs a break right? Well, I guess I could post what I wrote last night.....
I'm ready for a change...there are things that are passing me by, things that are catching up to me, and things that I am so far ahead of. I need to realize what to get rid of in my life and what I need to keep. I have changed a lot over these past 2 years and I'm getting pretty restless where I am, though I guess not all days are like that. So yeah, there ya go. That is what has been on my mind a bit.
Mom said that if I wanted to take time off from school that I could. I know it is a great opportunity, but I'm really not putting myself into it at all. I like school, now though, I'd rather work then sit in a class. I feel a bit trapped by school at the moment. I want to go to school get a good job and get payed well--but I also want to move. I know I've said that time and time again probably. There are things I want to get away from, places I want to see, new people I want to meet, and things that I need to take care of. Not that moving would be the answer or even a great possibility at this point, but it is an appealing prospect. You take your troubles with you, you may be able to get away from some things, but you'll always have to face them sooner or later or just move on from those ideas or whatever they are. Oh well, guess I'm just a big dreamer at this point. Mom's always telling me that this time in life is always the hardest. I agree with her in a way. I mean, I want to get out and start my own life, but without anything to start it with the project is on a slight hold. Haha, I need to shut up now, I'm just going in circles. Later!
~In the eye of the storm there is calm..."

Alrighty!......

I spent my morning (the first half anyway) talking to Leah. So, there are some things I need to leave behind. After I got off the computer last night I went out to join the group. Played the piano for a bit (I LOVE the music I got) and talked to everybody. That is pretty much all we did. Me, Leah and Phillis congregated in Leah's room to talk and somehow Phil got the impression that I liked him....?!?!? I'm not sure how he got that, Leah thinks it was something I said, but I didn't mean it THAT way. So, that gave me something to gawk at this morning. Other then that, Larea stayed the night last night and we all watched "What happens in Vegas" went to bed at about 12:15 or so. Talked to myself before I finally fell asleep. Sometimes it's better to hear things out loud that you can't discuss with people. Anyway...I have to work today :-( and I'm waiting for Leah to get out of the shower. I probably should get dressed and such. If anyone ever needs someone to talk to, I'd gladly hear about your life instead of mine. Oh and Lizzy, I would call, but when is the best time to call?? lol
~Don't let success go to your head and failure go to your heart..."

A new day.....?

Dang, where did I leave off? Yesterday we went down to the Old Mill district instead of on the hike that we were so fervently bent on going. Walked around the shops and then came back home. We had Larea over (so she went with us) and then she did her homework for accounting, while the rest of us sat around doing random things. I went to bed pretty early so I wasn't bored. This morning I got up and talked to mom a bit before meeting and we're thinking maybe we'll just leave dad and Leah at home and go on a vacation, ha, sounds good to me. Neither of them want to go anywhere, so....I didn't really feel that great this morning (felt a bit sick) but I went to meeting anyway and everything just seemed to hit me there. But it was good to go. Afterward I talked to Rich and that was nice. We then went out to Chan's and then got home and took naps. Seems like the thing to do on Sundays. The day of rest right?? Leah went to meeting this afternoon and yeah. Now we have a house full of people and I am briefly hiding out in my room along with the cats who are scared to death of little kids, ha. Tuesday we have no school or work and I am thrilled!!! I wish I didn't have to work tomorrow, but that is the way it goes. Who the heck just walked through our door....I gotta go see. Ha it's Phillis our long lost friend. ANYWAY, so I wish I could talk to one of my friends about some things....but it's a pretty close circle and I wouldn't want to shock anyone or....who knows what. Family will have to do. I think I like un-public journals just for the fact that no one reads it--so I will probably be writing in that one too, though who cares right? I think Larea will probably be spending the night again tonight, that will be fun. And yeah, my thoughts are really scattered tonight, got some collecting to do. I think I'll go hang out with the bums in the kitchen.
~When my heart is heavy burdened and I cannot understand, what I have no power over I will leave in Jesus hands..."

Life as I know it......(this title inspired by Leah, the dork standing next to me :-)).....

Today, what to say about today? I got to talk to a friend yesterday and it was really great to talk to her. Where did I leave off from yesterday? Well, I went to work yesterday--it was sooo slow! Then went to the gym for 45 minutes while Leah went to her class. I'm stoked, I'm getting my muscle back!!! lol, I know I'm retarded, but I'd rather have muscle than be a wimpy thing. But anyway, we got home and grandma and grandpa were here playing "settlers" with mom. I'm not sure what I found to do, but it was something. I read a couple books last night....talked to a few friends, practiced the piano until mom told me to stop because they were watching a show. Other then that, not to much. Today mom is hoping to go to the obsidian flows to go hiking and who knows what else we'll end up doing. More and more my spiritual problem is popping up in which I try to ignore. Probably not the best idea. I'm pretty ashamed of it anyway, ignoring it seems like the thing to do right now, but it's not what I should be doing about it. Ah! So there is that. I'll not really go in that direction on here. If you ever get a hold of my actual journal you'll know the whole story, ha. But there is no way I will post it's entirety here. Anyway, I don't really have to much to say today, later :-)
~Help me to look to thee, when I am tried...."

Interesting stuff.....

I left off where I finally took a shower yesterday. After that...what did I do? Leah went on a bike ride with a friend at about 5 o'clock and didn't show up at home even 2 hours later. Mom was getting a bit worried and I wanted to drive the car, so we headed out the door. Though she drove at first. We finally grew brains and called dad so he could look up their phone # and we got a hold of Leah. So, once the initial worry was taken care of, we went to the gas station. Leah was to nervous to put gas in the car all day, so it was on empty. Well, the guy there was really friendly and there was a new guy learning stuff. Also there was another dude/person/man, whatever you wanna call him (there's just alot of men at a gas station) and he needed a jump (for his car, haha, I know). We stayed there for a bit and the new guy was collecting trash. Haha, he was looking at me and I looked over and he had the biggest grin on his face, lol, it was hilarious! So, I just smiled back and he still kept looking at me so I turned to talk to mom. Anyway, we finally left the station and then went to Shopko. Mom apparently ruined her hook for the bathroom towels so she was looking for a new one, but you know mothers, they always get side tracked. I don't know how long we stayed in the store--though I don't mind going with mom to much. I get to pick on her and we get to laughing, so it's all good. Though I swear, sometimes she needs blinders....like the ones you get for horses, haha. Well, I got to drive around town after that, jolting and all. I actually was doing better than I thought I would, though mom might not agree. Got home, sat down to watch "Little Women" and yeah. Trying to think of what else I did. It was pretty late anyway....This morning Leah is once again taking me to school and I really should be getting ready to go. Ha, though I guess this guy that Leah hung out with, his friend liked me in school (not sure if he still does) though he was to shy to do anything. Man, I get all the shy ones haha. I thought that was amusing anyway. Oh right, somewhere in there last night I tried to call a few people, one wasn't there and the other endured my talking for a short while and then didn't really feel like talking. Totally ok, I know how that goes (plus I babble on a lot, so it's no fun talking when I run in circles, sorry! ha). Anywho, I should get going....
~How time flies.....

Olay olay olay olay......

Okiday, my grammar is going to get worse as we go. Let's see, last night I went to meeting--Leah drove. There was a lot of things that were spoken that had been on my mind that morning and things that I knew were for Leah. My ears kind of perked up when I heard some of the things. But anyway, lately I have been feeling like somewhat of a hypocrite. I give my testimony on Sundays, but I don't feel like I am living it. I sit in Wednesday night meeting and sometimes barely hear what is spoken. There are things I need to work on, attitudes towards people and some things. I talk to dad last night too--about meeting that is--though I don't think him being drugged made much of a difference (he had a surgery on his shoulder). Anyway, it was an interesting conversation none-the-less, but I was talking to mom this morning and some of the things just didn't make much sense to her. It's nice to talk to mom and dad. Dad for the deeper conversations and mom to bring you out of the fog that you've somehow gotten lost in. I don't know....last night with Leah at meeting it felt weird--like she never left--but weird that still there was that gap. When she stopped going to meeting we weren't as close and I've had this...attitude (?) toward her ever since. For one, I feel like I'm failing left and right: driver's license, meeting, friendships/relationships (whatever you wanna call them), and school. Though it's not like I'm going to give up on any of them, I just need to keep a clear head and endure--or press on. So, I got off on a tangent there. This morning Leah took me to school and I went to my gym class and then to my sociology class where I took an exam. I don't actually think I did to bad, but we will see. I was pretty much dead on my feet when I got home, so I ate lunch and crawled into bed. And low and behold--my phone rings! Haha, I don't think I was very awake for that short conversation and I was probably a bit loud. Anywho, I slept for about 3-4 hours I think and then finally got up and took a shower. Felt soooo good!! There is my day so far. I was stressed last night, knowing that I had to write an essay for class (still have to) so instead I started writing another story. I don't know how many I've started and not finished. Ah well, we'll see if I can keep writing it.
~The night is darkest just before the dawn..."

I have no title for this one.....

Obama won the presidential election. Sure he might not have been the person a lot of people voted for, but keep in mind he is who won and give him a chance at least. I for one am very happy all this campaigning is over! I got to sleep in this morning (praise!) lol and I finally got a hold of that company that was taking a substantial amount of money from my bank account. They plan on refunding my money and canceled my account!!!! Other than that, I still have 11 days till I try for my license again and that is about all for my worries. The week is just getting better for me, spiffing! Though I do have an essay to write, a couple chapters to read, a study guide, an exam tomorrow....let's see, anything else? Since I went to dinner at the Wilson's last night I didn't get anything done. It was pretty funny though, we were sitting around talking and all the sudden we hear cheering from next door (for Obama). Either way, I didn't really care after a while--about who got it. I mean sure, I can see both sides, why some people did or didn't vote for Obama. There are some things that I don't agree with that Obama is looking to change, but I honestly think that he is determined to turn this country around (for the better hopefully). I'm just going to wait and see what happens. No use in getting excited over these kinds of things. So that's done, my money is going back into my account, I am doing fine in school (the term is halfway over!!), and I will soon get my drivers license (knock on wood). Other than that, this morning I read something someone wrote--I used to go to school with this guy--and it was so great to read it. Really I needed that this morning and it got me to thinking about different verses in the bible that I have read and conventions I've gone to and different messages that I have heard. It was really encouraging to me to think and read about that. Anyway, I have different emails to reply to, so I will check in later
~Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also...."
"The Lord is my sheperd...."

'Ello, all you non sleep deprived people......

Ha, for those of you who read about yesterday, I was not trying to flirt with that older guy and he was flirting with mom and Leah mostly....I tried to stay out of it. Though good grief he was sure having a good time. Anyway, I am exhausted and waiting for mom to get off work. Spent three hours upstairs shifting books after going to my "bootcamp" class (basically an aerobics class for the we men, ha) and my sociology class. Oh what fun. Leah got to stay home today and I think she dropped her Writing 121/122 class, so she no longer has to bug me about it. Ugh, this is what I get when I wake up at 4:30 to talk to someone (technically they called me and sure I didn't have to answer, but why be rude? lol, yeah that makes sense, when they were the ones calling me at that time....). Anywho, as for anything else that pops into mind--I got nada.
~You're a greenhorn, you'll get killed out here!...."

A better morning.....

This morning was a whole lot better for me. Course it is snowing here at the college and I am wearing flip flops, but everything has cooled off--in the way of yesterdays events. Doesn't take long. I turned in my ballot and I have class in about 30 minutes. Julie offered to go out driving with me until my next test, so I am happy about that. She's sweet and I really appreciate her letting me drive and such. Yeah, today feels great so far. I'll be going to two classes today and then working (though I'm not scheduled to work today) and finishing the day with a piano lesson. Oh and tonight from 5-8pm at Ben and Jerry's you get free icecream in celebration for the election, lol mom wants to go. This morning it was actually kind of nice to talk to someone on the phone--though it was a bit early, like 5:00 early haha. I was actually thinking about helping mom's boss out with cleaning up her yard, since she needs help with it. So, yes, today is a good day so far :-).
~Oh what happy hour...."

What a day.....

I just got off the phone with someone asking who I was voting for and if I would vote for a specific person. Haha, we had a great laugh about that one. She asked "are you voting for Judy something or other?" My reply: "I haven't filled in that bubble yet." Well, needless to say, we all bust up laughing over here and I couldn't talk at all. I'm thinking about doing a heads/tails flip for the presidential candidate--already did the iny-miny-mini-mo....lol, I am so intelligent. At this point I just needed a laugh for the day. Starting at the being: I woke up at 4 this morning and couldn't fall back to sleep, so I got up at 5 or 6 and got ready to leave (we decided to practice a bit more for the driving test). Well then I went to the college and practiced the piano for about 2 hours. The benches are just dandy, if you sit on them correctly the broken legs will collapse....though maybe that's a sign, ha. Anyway, after that I went to work and I have a lazy ass lady to work with. So I got to finish her work and she sat on the computer and emailed people and talked on im. Complete bull, but the day gets better! I finished with the work and got off early (more practicing time). We then proceeded to the DMV and flirting ensued with this man that is probably older than mom...quite funny. Older men are always up for some kind of flirting. Anyway, Leah went first on her test and got back with a smile on her face. I was determined to not know what she got, so I went to the car and got in the front seat and then heard mom squeal and I could only assume that Leah passed. I thought, "if Leah can pass it, I definitely can!" It started out well, I was nervous, yada yada--but in the end, the verdict--not so great. Lol, really jeez!!!! So, in 14 days I get to go back and flirt with the same guy, new instructor and pass this bliming thing! Trust me, I was banging my head and beating myself up, it was simple human error and I AH! Once again, dang it. Though those weren't the exact words I could think of at the time. Hard music is good for such times. But man! So, anyway, that is how that went. I was so sure I would pass and look what happened!! I had some steam to blow off, so I went jogging in the rain, got back and took a shower and THEN found out a company that was unauthorized to do so, was taking money out of my bank account. I'm talking 100 bucks!! So, we figured that s*** out and yeah. That ballet stuff was fun to do though, gave me a laugh and I am now not so bummed about the driving test. Just gotta haul my butt back in there and try again! So, learning experience none the less. I am ready for bed or some good jokes. And, oh! what?? I have homework to do, woopy. Jeez!!!
~Life is like a box of chocolates, ya never know what you're gonna get...."

Sunday Afternoons.....

Alrighty, well yesterday I spent most of it doing homework and practicing the piano and spending time with the bums around here. Though....I kind of forgot how to play some of the scales, so ehem...I'll have to spend more time on those this next lesson. This morning we got an extra hour cause of the time change, wonderful stuff! Earlier I was kind of panicked about what to do on the whole car situation (renting and whatnot for the driving test) but Julie I think is going to lend hers. Stoked! That saves me money and we'll be able to drive it without worrying about the insurance and everything (don't worry Julie, I wont crash your car, knock on wood). So, I am determined tomorrow to get the stupid license!! Anyway, that is taken care of, now I have to finish my homework and clean my room so I don't trip trying to get out of it. This morning I sort of helped mom with the roast that she was cooking and then we went to meeting. As always it's definitely what I needed, correction and all. Actually yesterday morning we had a study--usually I like to read alone, but it was good. I think I might have already said something about this. It was in Revelations anyway. We then had Julie, Rachel, and Rich over for lunch and they are all now conked out in the living room. Guess it's a popular thing to do around here. Other than that, not much is going on. It's raining and is going to rain for the next week--plus snow, so I have to get on buying spikes for my shoes. Oh dang, I also have to vote. Personally I will be glad when this whole presidential candidate business is over. Dad said that if Obama won that he would temporarily forget the pain in his shoulder, haha. Hmmm hmmm, no brainy insight today, though I'm sure later I may think of something, until then......
~Until then, stay the course...."

Haha, since this is to long for the 'About me'

I love to be spontaneous, to live out my days with fun and laughter, though life can’t always be peaches and cream. Some people just have a harder time with it than others. I think it is great when you really get to talk to someone, but you can’t always have deep thinking conversations, they would get exhausting. And sometimes I just get so absorbed in my own mind. I love to make people laugh, I’m sarcastic as hell sometimes, but I can be understanding (when you don’t drive me insane). I wish I had more patience—sometimes I don’t do to bad with that, though I am insecure about things here and there. As was pointed out I sometimes feel like I am not accepted by my friends; that if they like Leah better there is no room for me. To some that sounds totally….pick a word, but I think it is a twin thing. Another thing, I refrain from saying things because I don’t want to sound stupid, I care way to much about whether people will accept me or not because I don’t think I am really that interesting of a person. I don’t accept complements very well and am always surprised when I get them. I guess I have the normal insecurities that teenagers do and usually I’m not really to focused on them, unless someone else points them out and makes fun of me in one way or the other. Don’t get me wrong, teasing is fun—but some things I just don’t take as a joke. I am way to sensitive for my own good and unless you say no is no or there is no way this or that is going to happen then I wont drop it until I get an answer or it passes. Like going to the beach when I was younger: I would ask mom if we were going to go and she would say maybe. Well you know kids--that just doesn’t fly most of the time. They need a straight answer or they won’t give up. Great, now I am comparing myself to a kid, ah well. I would ask tons of questions—but hey that’s where the broken record comes in. So hmm…I like to be around people, but I like to take some time off to let my brain rest. I love to be around kids because they are fun to be around and laugh easily, not to mention chatter as fast as they can think. I like talking to older people (anyone older than me) because some make you think outside the box. They bring up different subjects and have great stories to tell and they usually have some kind of advice or insight. I don’t really feel comfortable talking to kids my own age sometimes, not sure why, but it is what it is. I like to read alone, though usually I’m not disappointed when you can get me to read with other people. Some of the things I do say I say to get a reaction out of people. I hate to look into someone’s eyes and the stare is completely blank, might as well shock ‘em. I am nice, I like to help out when I can (though yes, sometimes I am a lazy ass), I over think things, I worry about others (meaning other things), I’m confusing as heck as well as annoying, I’m curious, I like straight answers and honesty, I usually know what I want and if I want it enough I will work for it, otherwise you wont see any results in that area, I’m passionate about things, I love to try different/new things, I’m scared as heck that I will end up this lifeless being that has nothing to live for and I don’t want to have….never mind that thought, I just want to make the best of the life I have. When I put in the effort for something I expect the same back. Like in a project I did at school. I totally loved the project we were doing, so I put a lot of effort into it and since I knew that no one else really felt like that I worked alone. I guess I like the same commitment, though that’s not always the case. Sometimes I can be hard on people, but I usually realize when I’ve gone too far and try to set things right again. I hate to argue and when I do argue I’d rather get it all out and settled and move on. There’s no point in leaving something to fester. I’m a big dreamer and if I let those run away with me I swear I’d be going in circles. Well, can you tell that I’m an open person? I like to talk, but sometimes it is way to exhausting. Sometimes I like to be alone—to just have the silence around me, but for the rest of the time I love to be around people. When I was younger I thought I could live without human interaction most of the time and I didn’t care much (mom was worried I’d become a hermit), but as I get older I find that most of the time I like to be surrounded by life. I just wish there were more friends to be around. I really never get tired of people’s company…though there are few that I find are somewhat fake, and their presence can be somewhat exhausting. Like when you go in for picture day or you are told to smile, if it’s not genuine you start to wonder when the whole thing will be over and you can stop pretending. But when you are with your friends, family, or just someone that makes you laugh, you don’t care if your cheeks hurt from smiling to much and you feel…happy. Yes, don’t I sound so optimistic? Generally I am optimistic, but sometimes I just have a lot of dry humor. And I should be going to bed. There is a lot more to me, but you’ll just have to realize that for yourself.

November!!!

Ok, so it is another day--let me change the font. Any better?? ha that works. Anyway, so yesterday finished off with, well getting off work. Work was fun though, none of us was really on task, but there wasn't much to do. Someone brought in a bucket load of candy and some people dressed up, but we sat around talking for the last half of my shift. It's great to get to know new people! Anywho, I got off work and we went to pick up our vacuum, but the guy who is supposed to fix it is apparently a procrastinator because he didn't get it finished. Then we went to the bank, back home, and then to the chiropractor's office. Hah, he's always saying I should cut my hair so it isn't in his way, well one day I might just bring in the scissors. Actually not, but it is very tempting sometimes to just be rid of it. Continuing.....we went back home, Gail Toci came over and mom and her went out to dinner. Leah was begging me to walk downtown with her, but hey, it was my turn to be the party pooper. So, we stayed home and mom, dad, and Gail got back and started to watch a movie. Dad wanted to get a scary one (it being Halloween and all) so I went with him to make sure he didn't get an outrageous one. Well, for about a good 45 minutes or so we stood in the aisle looking at scary movies. I'm not much of a fan of scary movies, so I said no to mostly all of them. Haha, I remember going to see a scary movie with Phil and Shawna--I got stuck sitting in the middle and a scary part came up and both Shawna and Phil grabbed a hold of me at the same time (not to scare me, but to TRY to shield themselves from the movie, ha that didn't work to well). So, in the mean time they scared me half to death and ended up with a good laugh. Anyway back to the present, got back home, they watched the scary movie and I went on the computer and then went to bed. End of story. I did get invited to go to the haunted corn maze, but as I said, I'm not much of a fan of being scared to death. Also got invited to go to the Foner's haunted forest thing, but had no way of getting there, oh well, that's what I get for not driving. Though Gail did bring over some bubbly and she let us try it (more like half a glass of it). I'm really not to fond of the effects wine has on me. Maybe that was half the reason I tripped over dad's foot in the parking lot, though I am quite a cluts anyway....I slept in till 8 this morning and really didn't do much. We had a bible study--usually I like to read on my own, but I'm never disappointed when I read with other people. We didn't get to finish the study because Richy Rich called and is here now to pick up the leaves. I really need a shower, but I'm not gonna hop in with Leah thank you. Anyway, I'm sure this is WAY long enough and people might not even get to the end of it, but I'll write later.....probably later today :-)
~He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose..."

Leaving childhood behind......

Let me tell you, I don't think you ever get over it. Sure there are things that are cool about being older, but the younger years do hold a certain something in them. Ha, I make complete sense. Life as a child you are mostly oblivious and care free. You spend your days laughing, eating, sleeping, playing, etc--you live day to day and look forward to b-days and holidays (or getting together with friends). When you get older you don't live so much day to day. More like you look forward to things you will be able to do in time to come. You either live in the past or the future....some hardly ever live in the present. You become more aware of what is around you and the more you understand and know, the more life becomes....not sure what word I'm looking for. Yes, life has it's perks and it's not all bad, but for me the time in between childhood and coming up on being an 'adult' was a tough one. Mostly because of the changes mentally, but depression and OCD run in the family, so it's no wonder. As for the physical changes they were just slightly annoying at first and some still are. Haha, and then for some it doesn't really have to change much and there's not much of a transition. You don't have to leave everything behind from childhood--like your attitude towards life. Anyway, this thing is seriously long....for replying to someone else's blog.
~I hope you never lose your sense of wonder..."

Mornin!

So, I absolutely love the mornings! It's still dark outside, but that can be overlooked. But just the peace about the house, ahh. I can totally understand why those old men come out with a news paper or whatever they are reading and sometimes their coffee, and just sit and read first thing in the morning. Haha, where did the old men come from right? Well, mornings like this remind me of the times I've spent the night at granny's house. Both my grandparents get up at insane hours of the morning, but they are fond memories. Waking up at 6 or 7 and going out in the living room where they are drinking their coffee and reading or talking quietly. Or if all else fails grandma is conked out in her chair with her book forgotten in her lap. I always liked mornings like those, though I guess it happened more often when we used to live with them in Hillsboro. Anyway, I'll enjoy it while I can. So, today I am going to go to school and then to work. I don't work long today so the rest of the day is free to do whatever I want. Which unfortunately I have nothing planned. Ah well, we will see what I can come up with. Wow, tomorrow is the 1st of November!!!! Sweet! Can't wait till December, then the term ends!! Ha I should probably get going, I need to get ready for the day and unless I want the morning to be a bad morning.....yeah. So, I'll catch up later.....
~Raindrops keep falling on my head...."

Let's see if this works.....

Alright, we will see if this works. Goodness knows it took longer than I thought it would, but anyway. All I can think of right now is 'what a day'. Really nothing to exciting happened--though I did stay home. Got to sleep in (which was nice), got up, looked up jobs on craigslist (not only for here). Talked to Leah, which is always a good thing to do. Went outside to clean up the yard and that took about 2 hours, took a shower, did more chores, slept, went shopping with Cindy for about 2 more hours and then came back home. So there is the outline, but let me back up to the beginning. Ah! I don't know. Earlier I talked to Leah, she gets fed up with me a lot these days. Well, first there was the patience issue--I don't have much for her lately and then there is the attitude she thinks I have of being better than her. I'll admit that I don't have much patience for her anymore because (as I told her) I don't like to see someone I was so close to say that she is unable to do certain things, give up, and not help herself. Though I guess I wont go into to much detail on that whole thing--just in case someone wants to read this. As for the second thing she acused me of, that is absolutely not true. I don't know, I could recount the whole thing, but I think I wont. The day from there went fine--we got things straightened out and were on good terms again after talking for a while. Did our chores, hung out together, went shopping. Haha, shopping with Cindy is like shopping with our mom (and you wonder why I like to sit in the car, sometimes). It was nice getting out of the house anyway. I guess what kind of got me down tonight was that we came home and went from being around someone that was happy, to two parents that were down in the dumps. Don't get me wrong, I know life can't always be great, but I was hoping the end of the day would have been happier. Mom and dad are worried about money, taxes, credit cards, etc. That's mostly why I want to go to school and get a good job; so I don't have to worry about money as much as they do. So, Leah went to bed early and I decided to look into getting a second journal, though it's not private--I don't think many people will read it anyway. It's nights like these where I feel trapped sometimes, not just because of these little things, but things just add up. It's the atmosphere or the feeling of the house. Usually I am a happy joy joy, spunky, hyper person, but not always. Wow, there is so much I could say, but how much do I really want to releave on this thing? It's not gonna get any better from here--I should actually read and go to bed. Things usually look....better when I've slept.
~Don't let your heart get heavy....."